In a previous column I shared a few observations on navigating the waters of marriage. This week we have a continuation of that instruction. I share the following not as an expert, but merely as a student. My failures in marriage with my longsuffering wife have prompted me to read and learn to some degree. These tips come from one of the very best books on marriage that I have ever read (Husband School by Julie Gordon).
In our previous lesson, we learned that in marriage, the husband can be described as the gardener whose job it is to tend to his wife, the garden. An untended garden produces an unhappy wife, resulting in marital turbulence. One of the primary ways that the gardening husband tends to his wife is through deep conversation. This deep and meaningful conversation is like water and sunshine to the wife’s garden and provides her with the emotional release that she needs on a consistent and ongoing basis.
Continuing on this theme of tending to your wife, today we’ll discuss the wife’s need for two fundamental nutrients – admiration and appreciation. A wise husband gives his wife what she wants and needs, not what he thinks she deserves.
Admiration for your wife involves intentionally thinking about her virtues, abilities, and gifts. Actively look for these qualities and then comment on them. Think good things about your wife and then share those thoughts verbally. I will admit that this has been a problem for me. I am not overly verbal (think Clint Eastwood after a trip to the dentist – not many words come out of my mouth). If you enjoy conversation, this might come easier for you. Regardless of whether or not you possess any degree of language skills, it is important to talk to your wife. And it is doubly important to tell her of your admiration for the spe- cific traits you notice. These can be small and trivial, or deep and meaningful. For example – one thing that I notice in my wife is that she looks especially attractive when she drives. She has a cute way in which she grasps the steering wheel and guides her car. I like to look at her when she drives and find myself watching every time she pulls out of the driveway. This is the kind of thing that is okay, even appropriate, if a bit strange, to share with your wife.
A more impactful trait that I admire in my wife is the fact that she is very good at communicating with our grown children. Now that the kids are out of the house and on their own, my wife is very good at talking to them on the phone, often. All our kids are great “phone talkers” and enjoy extended conversations frequently with their mom. This is a good thing. I, on the other hand, am not good at this. Perhaps one of my least favorite things is talking on the phone, so communicating with our children is less of a strength for me. I do really admire and appreciate my wife’s aptitude in this area.
Your wife needs to be reminded daily about her positive qualities, actions, and talents. She wants to hear about what she does well, and what you admire about her. Your wife is like a thirsty tomato plant, and your admiration is the water that she needs in order to thrive and bear fruit.
Mother Teresa once said, “There is more hunger for love and appreciation in the world than for bread.” People are starved for appreciation. Along with admiration, give your wife appreciation and she will thrive.
How do you show your wife appreciation? Pay attention and look for things that she does right. Then again, comment on them. If your wife is a good cook, and consistently labors in the kitchen to keep your family fed, tell her you appreciate this. Comment on her meals. Tell her what you like. Show her the appreciation that she craves. If you look for things to appreciate in your wife, you will find them.
Women need (and deserve) continued reassurance about their beauty, desirability, talents, abilities, and gifts. Your wife will not be fulfilled unless there is admira tion and appreciation throughout your marriage. Even if you are dutiful and faithful and a good provider, she will not be deeply satisfied unless she is appreciated and admired. A wise husband will learn and apply these things.
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