Marriage is hard. Ask anyone who has navigated the waters of matrimony for any length of time, and they will confirm this.
Those that say otherwise are lying.
However, as wretched humans, we often make marriage more
difficult than it needs to be. In an attempt to foster marital happiness, and avoid marital combat, I would like to share the following tips. Disclaimer – I am in no way a marriage expert. I struggle in marriage as much, probably more, than any of you. But I am learning, or trying to learn, how to become a better husband and have a happier marriage.
There are habits and skills in marriage that will foster a happy marriage. And there are habits and behaviors that produce con- flict and discord.
As a husband, it is critical that you understand this because women are responders. Your wife will respond to virtually everything you do and say, to some degree.
If you can care for your wife well (the way she needs to be cared for), she will respond positively, and your marriage will be happier.
In order to have a happy marriage, it is important to understand that you, as the husband, are the gardener. An unhappy wife is like an untended garden, with poor neglected soil, plenty of weeds and bugs, a lack of water, and not enough sunlight. As the gardener, if you can meet her needs by giving her the nutrients and water that she needs, while pulling the weeds and killing her bugs, she will respond by blooming and bearing fruit. Men have a hard time understanding this.
Men are simple. We are like small engines. With adequate gas and oil (you fill in the blanks), we will run satisfactorily for years.
Men tend to think that women are the same way. They are not. Women are wired differently. Women are multi-faceted, intricate, and complicated.
Your wife is more like a tomato plant than a small engine. When given the proper amount of sunlight, fertilizer, and water, she will bloom and bear fruit every time.
What constitutes this marital sunlight, fertilizer, and water for your wife? In part, it is deep conversation. It has been said that “men need sex like women need conversation.”
Men get this, but often fail to see the other side of this coin. “Women need conversation like men need sex.” Most men do not need conversation the same way our wives do. We often find
conversations with our wives exhausting.
We don’t like hearing about problems and challenges with-
out immediately trying to "fix" things. But our wives don’t want us to fix things, usually. They want us to listen, and they want us to talk. They desire deep conversation.
Deep Conversation can be described as a verbal ping pong game where you hit the words back and forth, with both of you participating. Just like men need physical release in marriage, women need emotional release. And this emotional release comes from deep conversation.
Deep conversation starts with deep listening. You listen to her (pay attention), and then ask questions that allow her to go deeper into the subject. She wants to fully express her feelings. Don’t interrupt her. Don’t cut her short or try to solve her problems. Deep listening takes time, energy, and patience.
Deep conversation also requires that you initiate conversa- tions of significance. Ask your wife about her fears, desires, and dreams. What is important to her? What is she concerned about right now? As men, we would rather buy gifts, do yard work, fix the car, etc.
But these duties, though important, are no substitute for the deep conversation that your wife craves.
Deep conversation does require that you be transparent and vulnerable with your wife. Open up to her. She wants to know what you are thinking. Practice sharing your heart with your wife (even if you have to do it in a manly, big-truck sort of way).
Try to talk to her for 20-30 minutes every day. Work this into your schedule as best you can. Find whatever works for the both of you. Listen well, ask questions, and work on your marital happiness. It will be worth it.
NOTE- much of this information comes from one of the best marital self-help books I’ve ever read. I highly recommend it.
The book is Husband School by Julie Gordon.
For more info, go to: JulieN- Gordon.com.
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